I told her that its a long, hard story loaded with cold hard truths, and gold standards, that cannot be changed, and cannot be bent by one's ideology or attitude or desire to be more positive... so do you want to shut the fuck up and hear it or not ?
She says, go ahead I'm listening.
So I proceeded to say...
Because I didn't earn any better.
Nothing I did throughout my life earned me any better than what I have, now.
I have not followed anybody's rules.
I have done what I wanted to do my whole life.
I have done what I gave myself a badge to think is right, and not necessarily followed any proper method or procedures.
I made myself the boss my whole life.
I'm a very violent, abusive person.
I am 30 years old, and nobody will deal with me.
I have recently tried again to help myself... and again... I receive just more bad records.
Its over, that's it.... the show is over.
They are onto the youth of America who they can help and I get the shaft, and a barrier towards even beginning to do any better.... that I earned.
Society just wont have anything to do with me anymore..
And there is BUT nothing.... that's our society, and in our society... the game is over for me.
They're onto the young who they can help.
I told her that you can be with me, or get rid of me too... but you can't help me..
Nobody can... not even Myself now.
And that's the way it is.
Then I told her this too..
Now we can either deal with what is, or we can sit here and argue until the cows come home, and have achieved nothing.
Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear... and Americans seem to think life is a bed roses where endless opportunity exists.. and don't want to hear the truth.
Well guess what ? that's not life works.
The cold ugly truth is... its all over, and I win or lose depending on what my goals are and my attitude is.
If I wanted to be a successful person, I lost royally.
And If I'm somebody who wanted permanent mediocrity and despair and poverty in my life, well I won royally.
That's the cold truth.
She says "but you're disabled"... so I told her that I know that I'm disabled... but that doesn't mean shit.
I'm entitled to $193 a month SSI.
But I need to earn better... and now I can't because nobody will deal with me.
Now do you want to understand or not ?
She says "I'm sorry about your predicament" so I said...
So am I.