being written , I am the author .
These are not as yet copyrighted ,
Summer 1986 , Eel River , Village of Redway . Humbolt County California
~~~~~~~ The Suburban , Kaylem , The Rog', and Oscar B. Bigfoot ~~~~~~~~~~~
On the Road with Kaylem the Wild Child Girlfriend , we stopped into Garberville Calf.
to visit some friends , ,,,
the Batshit Crazy , too much Hair type friends ,
only a well heeled Bong could Love .
For privacy ( Cause, Kaylem is WILD,, and a screamer,
((((her resume' ends with::: Former experience : Nympho)))) )
and given there's gonna be dramas in our Pajamas
and to not give our host the Hots,,
We decided we would camp on the River
instead of impose on friends for a stay over .
It's a little Past Sundown ,, and the shadows are leaning horizontal on their way to sleep.
I'm up on the front seat jamming a Grateful dead tape in the player,,
( 1976 vintage, favorite year for the Dead )
Kaylems in the Back of the Suburban,
with a mini-maglite in mouth looking in a knapsack for zuu zuu's
( Hippie Snacks , like a Snickers Bar or other candy, chips , cookies )
We are 15ft. off the bank of the river which is 40 feet wide at this point ,,
across from us is a steep slope that ends in a drop off of 15 ft.
A Scream like a Rhino stepped on his nut's ,, rings out shattering the peace,,
a Crashing of Branches and bushes comes ripping down the slope ,,,
and this Dark Blob of something comes flying off the Bluff ,, SPLAT ,, roll ,, thump,, stop .
To my right ,, Kaylem's face pops up
( Gawd she was naturally Beautiful ),,
eye's staring like a drunk's when his bottle hits dry ,,,,,,
What was that Rog ?
Thing on the ground over there came off that Bluff
the scream i think was a Mountain Lion ,, I think ?
LOOK ROG" !
The THING stood up about 10 feet tall ,, 80 or so feet from us ,,
Kaylem (while i stare stupid) say's under her breath " Bigfoot ,,,, ! "
This Dark Shaggy Bastard takes about 3 strides and right up a small wash it climbs back
up the slope and into the woods with a limp ,, branches and small trees bending ,,
Just before it went up the wash ,, it turned and looked straight through the windshield
at us ,,, Kaylem pulled her head back and sat toward the Back of the Burb
( note : More correct to state : Kaylem jerked her Body back midair to the back of the Suburban )
Kaylem : "Your Gun Rog' ?
Rog' : " It's here Hun, no need ."
Kaylem : "Uh Rog' ( a bit more panic in the Voice ) Can we leave please ?
Rog' : " I'm Moving now sweet-cheeks ,, be calm ,, ok ? you find those Club Crackers ?
Kaylem : " Calm ?! PLEASE ! My thighs wet dude ,, I pissed myself ,,,
Rog' : " Got it going,, lay down it's gonna be rough kiddo ,,,
(Suburban runs over something ): bounce bounce,,,,,, BAM !,,, bounce
Kayle : "what was that ?
Rog' : That,,,,,, Little one ,, was a boulder ,, if it wasn't dead,, ,, it is now
Panic has a pace ,, and your heart falls right in step ,,
mine was beginning to out step panic about 3 to 1 ,,,
Kaylem's had seem to pass me on the right ,,, no turn signal on , and fell in ahead of mine
( Note to the Heart Cops : Statute of limitations ran out , her heart BEAT you , no ticket , and fuck off )
There's a steep climb out of the River Bed and this part of the road is rutted badly ,,
Full blown Bozo on the Pedal describes nothing compared
a tight hairpin near the top with a bluff on the left ,,FUCK,, forgot about that
spun the wheel and let the Burb drift the turn ,,
spun it back for the straight and shifted up to second from a downshift for the turn ,,
slippery hands from the sweat,,,
and the wheel left my minds acceptance ,, fucker ,,
we're going over the edge when a deep rut takes control and shoves the Burb to the right saving us a descent ,, shit yeah
fuck ,, wipe palms and up and over the hump for the Redway Hiway ,,
we make the road , hook right and make it to Garberville ,,
Kaylem has a habit of laughing after the fear subsides , and this will be scaled per
amount of fear she just experienced ,,
No ear wax remained when she had finished this one
As an Outdoorsman , with enough crazy in me to a Grizzly Bear's Nutz, I'm not too
often freighted by much ,,,
Well , this was not a case of MUCH
it was a case of shit and soak your socks ,,TOO MUCH
We took a Forest Service Road North and parked , this time Kaylem waited for me to get in the back in Bed before she would climb over the seat and into bed ,,
There, after a few moments she spoke ,,,
Kaylem : " Rog' ?
Rog' : " Yes ,,,, what is it,,,, desire of my loins ?
Kaylem : " Shut up , this is serious ,,
Rog' : " Ok , You can use that Bush , I'll stand Guard ,, wipes are on the dash girl ,,,,
Kaylem : " Fucker ,, listen ,, I think that was Oscar back there ,,,
~~~~~~~~~ Oscar, Dead Falls , Widow Makers , tight lips ~~~~~~~~
Across the River near where we were camped is an old wooden bridge ,,,
cross that, and top out the rise, go a quarter mile and on the right is a Ranch Style on 20 acres,,,
the front is a Pasture , and between it and the River is an Apple Grove,,
Living there is the sweetest of ladies with 3 kiddies, a teenage boy and two of the Cutest
cuddle bunny little sisters ,,
Her Name is Angela , close friends call her Angel-lips ( and they are , i've Kissed them,
kinda where my Halo came from )
Anyhoot ,, we run into Annie at the Laundry ,, and Kaylem points her out to me ,,
Kaylem : "Rog',, that's Angel ,, she's the lady with that orchard , where Oscar eats ,,
Anne stands 5 foot too sexy in bare bones and has a Giggle , makes you think of
Butterfly Tinkle on Chrystal Bells ,,,
She smiles over at us ::::::
Annie : " Hey Honey ,, your back ,, good road story to tell ?
( Kaylem is a local )
Kaylem Back to Annie : " Hi Angel ,, yeah ,,, this Mudder fricker Picked me up in L.A. ,, we been Boinkin up the coast Hiway-one ,,, and in Big Sur , he got Poison Oak on the Back of his Sack ,, tee hee
Rog': KAYLEM ! She's making that up Ang" ,, it was only on the bottom ,,not the whole sack
Kaylem :what's up with Oscar Ang' ?
Annie' : Kaylem ,,, !!!!( flips her thumb my way ) uh ,, loose lips girlfriend ,, know what sayin'
Kaylem : "Oh,, Rog' is cool ,, he's a secret agent ,, heh heh
~~~~ Oscar and Annie's Story ~~~~~~~~~
Anne was out hanging the Christmas lights one year ,, maybe 15 years before this ,,
She noticed some prints in the Snow going across the pasture ,, she looked about ,,
and there stretched out below an Apple Tree was a Bigfoot eating Dead-fall apples off
the ground ,,,rotted one's ,, TASTY !
She ran inside , grabbed her Son and went in the bedroom grabbed her Rifle , came
out to the living Room and watched this Bigfoot snack down ,, clearing the ground .
Anne kept this Secret from everyone but her sister for years ,,,
They Named the Big Boy Oscar because his manners were like Oscar Madison's of
the Odd Couple
That Day at the Laundry ( While Kaylem took a coin op shower ) Anne told me the story of Oscar ,,,
She asked I not speak of it outside the valley for she feared Hunters would come after her buddy Oscar ,,,
Been said : You only go round once in life ,,,, Kaylem proved that wrong for me ,,
Certain times , we went several times a round ,,, rested and resumed ,, bet 8 times at least on some
occasions ,,, ah youth ,,
She's still there in Garberville,,
I see her every now and again , some times more often ,,( I am Celibate and we no longer go a-round or eight )
Oscar is believed to still be gleaning Anne's Apples,
for the ground around her Orchard seems to never have dead falls on it ,,,
and I am still on the Road ,,, but I wouldn't be ,,,
for Once up on The Tetons , Leaning against an Old Growth,,
my Guardian Angels stopped a Widow Maker from crushing me ,,
I no longer lean against Old Growth,,
not during a high Wind .
Next , The Stench that stopped my breath dead