You used to be able to buy these huge ten foot weather baloons
at a nearby novelty shop .
It took about a year to fill them up tight ,,
well ,, at 13 years of age , it seemed like a year to me .
They cost two skins each ,, I got three for free because
I knew thieves in the slum area across the Blvd. from me .
Yeah , so I fensed stolen Baloons as a kid ,,, tuff sh_t dude .
Two doors down from me , a friends Dad had an old air compressor
in the garage ,,,
guess what I did ,,,
sorry ,,, that's wrong .
Actually ,,, I used a funnel turned upside down
over a one burner stove inside a 55 gallon metal drum with
a pour spout hole in it and the funnel over that hole and the baloon
over the tight end of the funnel.
filled the first one with hot air that way .
Took forever man .
but it worked .
So here I have this 10 foot big hairy ass Lighter than air craft built .
I made a Gondola for it out of a shoe box .
Snatched my Moms Parakeet
put the squawky sucker in the shoe box , put the lid on it
( yes, the lid had holes ,,,I'm an Einstein , not a Dr. Jykle Mr. Hyde )
I had three hundred feet of 30Lb test Fishing line tied to it ..
from the park across the street
it got up there fast
300 feet of line reeled off like greased Owl Sh_t man .
FAST right through my bare hands ,,,,
Well , though a light breeze on the ground
The wind is a bit stronger up 300 feet , like 60 MPH stronger
and it grabbed the baloon and pulled it fast and hard
Damned if the line didn't cut my hands
yes , i let go to look at the cuts
Stupid Bird was singing away as he sailed off ever higher and higher
if it came down
Some sucker over in Arizona probably ended up having to
feed the Keet til it drop dead 10 years later .
I had to blame the Kidnapped Keet on the slum kids
cause Ma still had that Camel Whip hidden , and man did she cop a tude
about that green little squeaker being missing .
Our next Caper was to be Gordy's Monkey ,,, Coco ,,,
but when Stan tried to get it out of the cage ,,,
Coco bit the B'Jeepsus out of him ,, then escaped to the Kitchen
knocking over crap real loud , we got scared we'd be caught
being that we broke into Gordy's house to steal the Coco Monkey
and we ran out the back door leaving the window we climbed
in ,,,,,open ,,, and Coco, went out that window,,, and took up living behind the Market in a tree
above the Dipsey Dumpster where Coco ate pretty much
how and when it wanted to .
One morning a Bum digging for bottles caught Coco in the dumpster .
Stan Bought Coco from the bum for the price of a Mag of Maddog 20/20
But Ralph tried to hold him,,,, Coco gave him a nip ,,, Ralph let go of Coco,,
Coco was out and gone again
hiding out on the Lam behind the Market again
Ralph said : Oh well ,,, easy come ,,, easy go ,,,
So we thought up that we would heat up both baloons at once
this time , we'd tie rope with knots onto it and send
up a Milk crate with some other innocent animal in it .
I wanted to put Ralph in it
but he wasn't innocent
But Bruce had this Cat he had fed LSD once
so we went over to his house and tried to Cat-nap the Psyzoid Cat .
sure enough ,,, it scratched all of us so bad ,,,we let it's Hulucinating ass go
and we left it alone ever after.
Then Danny came upon us
He was Tracy's older brother fresh back from Nam
He had the best idea ( well ,, besides putting Ralph in the Crate )
He knew how to make a Missile out of two cans and a cherry bomb
and how to make a fuse long enough to last till the Baloon
got up there a couple hundred feet .
they call it " Improvised Munitions " in the Marines
well , he being older
and the Guys all looked up to him ,,,
I had to concede , besides , we'd have to chop Ralph up
to get him to fit in the Crate anyway .
Danny explained that we could only use one baloon
because the hot air would cool in the first Baloon before the second
was filled,,, and it wouldn't rise .
so it was going to be a matter of using only the cans for
payload too .
he made the missile before the baloon was filled
he then took a Ker jar and filled it half way with Gasoline
the idea was
when the Cherry bomb went off
it would break the glass jar
ignite the gas
and 4th of July with FLAMES GALORE
well ,,, sh_t was lookin' mighty swell to me
I was excited .
we get this contraption done just after the Sun set
walk across the street to the park
Now,,, no rope or string will be tied to it
because the Baloon is going to become a casualty as well .
so no sense in reeling in a dead baloon thats burning up .
I'm holding the Baloon
Gordy's watching with a Snot Bubble of anticipation blowing
in and out his nostril
Danny's lighting the fuse he made
and burns straight up FASTER then we meant it too
I let go so don't worry , I didn't explode or nothing
It got up there about 70 feet
HUGE FLAMING BALL SPREAD ACROSS THE SKY ABOVE US
RAINING DOWN TOWARD US !!!!!!
Man , My cheap Converse sure had experience in out running Cops
and it took them nothing flat to remember how to skittle gone
with boggie two shoes geared
and my hands over the top of my head ,,,
I ran looking up at a shower of fire that seemed to be running the same direction
my converse were ,,, and falling straight down toward me ,,,,
I ditched under the Merry-go-round for cover
nothing came down on the ground around me
I looked out from under the Merry-go-round
and see Danny on his hands and knees laughing like a loon on a full moon ,,,
Pointing at me ,,,
He knew the gas would burn up before it made it to the ground ,, that sh_t-head
You ever find any of those old weather Baloons
don't try this with them
don't even bring them home
they caused nothing but problems for you
cause you'll think up sh_t like i did