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Bad jokes
08-31-2013, 05:24 PM #16
Wicked Oblivion Member
Posts:10,778 Threads:720 Joined:Oct 2012
A guy gets a call from his doctor...

"Hello"

"I've got good news and bad news"

"Give me the good news first"

"You've got one day to live!

"Thats the good news what the hells the bad news?

"I tried to call you yesterday!
08-31-2013, 05:29 PM #17
Wicked Oblivion Member
Posts:10,778 Threads:720 Joined:Oct 2012
Indian fathers named their children...

The first things they saw...

Right after their babies were born...

An indian dad steps out of his tepee and sees..."Running Bear"

An indian dad steps out of his tepee and sees..."Falling Eagle"

An indian dad steps out of his tepee and sees..."Laughing Deer"

An indian dad steps out of his tepee and sees..."Two Dogs F###ing"
08-31-2013, 05:30 PM #18
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,286 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
rofl.gif I used to post that kind of schtick on GLP under the name Sheky Youngman. lmao.gif

wonder.gif
08-31-2013, 05:31 PM #19
Wicked Oblivion Member
Posts:10,778 Threads:720 Joined:Oct 2012
Gluing a quarter to the floor and laughing at everyone trying to pick it up...

HaHaaHaaaHaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaa...

(*----------------------------------------------------*)

08-31-2013, 05:37 PM #20
オタマジャクシ Member
Posts:1,310 Threads:32 Joined:Nov 2012
Courtesy of backwoodshome.com an outdoor magazine site (it actually is an interesting magazine)...

A young boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy."
08-31-2013, 05:40 PM #21
Wicked Oblivion Member
Posts:10,778 Threads:720 Joined:Oct 2012
Whattaya tell a blonde with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!
08-31-2013, 05:52 PM #22
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,286 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
rofl.gif

Jesus and Moses were bored one day, and they decided to come down to Earth and play some golf. They were on a particularly difficult hole, and Moses was concerned that Jesus wasn't going to make the shot over the water.

"I think I can do it Moses," Jesus insisted. "In fact, I'm sure I can do it. I've seen Tiger Woods make this shot a hundred times. And if Tiger Woods can do it, why couldn't I."

Moses rolled his eyes and stood back and left Jesus to his game. So Jesus eyed the ball, checked the wind and then stood over the ball. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the middle of water."

Moses rolled his and then walked over to the pond. He stood on the shore and put his golf club in his right hand, and then raised up his hands they way he saw Charlton Hesston do it so many years ago. The water parted the water for Jesus, who walked in on dry ground and retrieved his ball.

"Bless you," Jesus said. However, he was not willing to give up on the shot.

"I know I can do this, Moses," Jesus repeated. "I've seen Tiger Woods do it, and he's just a human being."

Again, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.

Moses sighed and walked back to the pond. There on the shore he raised up his hands while holding his golf club, and the water parted. Jesus walked into the pond on dry ground and retrieved his ball.

"Look, Jesus," Moses said with a bit of resolution. "I'm telling you, you will not make this shot."

"I will make this shot," Jesus insisted soundly. "I'm God. Whatever Tiger Woods can do, I can do."

"Fine!" Moses sighed. "But I'm not going to part the water for you. My arms are getting tired and it's going to mess up my game."

"Fair enough, Mo," Jesus nodded. "But I'm telling you!"

"I know!" Moses interrupted. "Tiger Woods does it, then so can you."

But, alas, Jesus' ball hit the water. Jesus handed his golf club to Moses to hold for him, and then he walked over to the pond to again retrieve his ball. Rather than wade into the water to get it, he instead walked out to the middle of the pond walking on water. While he was walking on water searching intently, another group of golfers came over the hill. They walked up behind Moses and watched as Jesus walked back and forth on the water.

"Holy Cow!" one of the golfers said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses sighed, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

wonder.gif
09-01-2013, 02:50 PM #23
White Ribbon call me
Posts:9,779 Threads:371 Joined:Apr 2013
(08-31-2013, 03:11 PM)JayRodney Wrote:  
(08-31-2013, 02:51 PM)Shadow Wrote:  Life is like a Pənis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.

lmao.gif

That was beautiful. Like a Hallmark card kinda' thingy. rofl.gif

the gays wouldn't buy it..chuckle.gif
09-01-2013, 03:00 PM #24
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,286 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
Not even the uncut version? 37.gif

wonder.gif
09-01-2013, 03:18 PM #25
White Ribbon call me
Posts:9,779 Threads:371 Joined:Apr 2013
(09-01-2013, 03:00 PM)JayRodney Wrote:  Not even the uncut version? 37.gif

def not the uncut version.. a guy has gotta have standards, yeah?
09-01-2013, 03:26 PM #26
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,286 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
rofl.gif Definition? Really? The uncut version - meaning Jewish women wont buy anything unless it's 10% off. coffeetime.gif

EDIT *was a joke, I'm in no way anti-Semitic* 13.gif

wonder.gif



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