In the red corner, we have the following contestants:
A loud-mouthed, rug-wearing, side-switching billionaire who is most famous for, well, BEING a billionaire, who has held no previous political office, but he does put out some great soundbites.
A soft-spoken, religious, black (let's face it, it IS one of his qualifications) neurosurgeon who has held no previous political office, and has attracted the ire of the mainstream media with some of his comments, but not nearly as much as our first red corner candidate.
A woman (her chief qualifying characteristic) who, as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, managed to lay off a LOT of people, and still fail to deliver sufficient earnings to keep her position, and other than that, she was an advisor for John McCain's 2008 Presidential campaign, and lost a senatorial election to Barbara Boxer.
A Latino member of the U.S. Senate, who has been one of the driving forces behind the controversial amnesty push in D.C. , and also holds the distinction of being the deciding vote for approving Obamatrade WITHOUT reading it.
A religious, Canadian-born Latino member of the U.S. Senate who is currently most famous for a filibuster that included references to Green Eggs and Ham, Star Wars, which ultimately achieved nothing, and for being the candidate of choice for a 13 year old black social media conservative who thrashes Obama every chance he gets.
A former governor of Florida who is really in over his head, the epitome of RINO, and simply trying to be the third member of his immediate family to hold the office of President of the United States.
A U.S. Senator whose father has run for the Presidency in years past, often as the "oddball" candidate. Is a constitutionalist, yet occasionally joins forces with RINOS. Also has an ineffectual filibuster to his credit.
The current governor of New Jersey, most known for his love of pastries, hugging President Obama, and the BridgeGate Scandal.
In the blue corner, we have:
An old, crusty, crazy-haired socialist hippie "independent" who serves as a congressman for Vermont, and is running as a Democrat, pushing Scandinavian socialism for the United States, promising a great many expensive plans with no clear explanation of how they would be paid for. His main qualification appears to be a neat-o catch phrase (feel the bern), and that he's crazy enough to be different.
An old, crusty, crazy-eyed former FLOTUS/Senator/Secretary of State, who is currently being investigated for possibly sharing state secrets on her personal email server, as well as attempting to delete all of them and claiming they didn't exist. She is part of a foundation that has extremely dubious donors, as well as unaccounted for funding. She is most likely responsible for the deaths of four U.S. citizens, including military personnel, and a U.S. Ambassador during riots in Libya, and then blamed it on a video that NO ONE had ever heard of, let alone ever seen. There are numerous other scandals in her past that also have a trail of bodies dripping from them. Her main qualification seems to be her vagina, and her husband's unwillingness to utilize it.
There you go, America... Pick one, if you dare.
(***NOTE*** the OP has no personal preference currently, and isn't very happy with the choices offered)
"You want to see my spaceship?" ~Zaphod Beeblebrox
"Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?" ~Gag Halfrunt