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IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 08:16 AM #1
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Ok, yes, you paid for this. Now lets get some things straight. If it was not for this gig, I would be a serial killer, and never mind all that bio metric reading equipment at the door.

Nervous yet?

Well, maybe you shouldn't be.

(looks around carefully)

I saw that.

Fuckers, never trusting who you pay money to. Like government. Then bitch about someone you gave money to robbing you.

And now I see threads talking about building space ships like Star Trek. You kidding me?

Really?

(small squeaky marshmellow voice) "what does this do". BOOOOOOOOOOOOM BLAAAAGAGAGAURRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......Puff.



(in heaven) "you ğkking god damn Christians and Muslims fighting over you false phallus idol, off with your heads"... another shaving of penis size ensues. "AHHHH run for your lifes alahahjebus bing bang."

Wheewww, glad that is over, now go ğkking shoot yourselfs.

Just kidding.

Well, at least on the first date.

Im not going to ask you if you smoke, but if you get but raped like little catholic girls at the alters of government and money? and if so, well, then you really do need to go and shoot yourself.

"warning, warning, 1 violation of PC thought crime".

and yes, i really do love my job, you know.

us janitors. thats what a comedian is you know, he takes all the shït and has it thrown back at him, and then turns around, bends over, and incinerates the crowd into subjection.

(brings out handkerchief for the two ladies on the front row)

now, where was i?

oh, yes sex.

just a question, but are their any sailors out there that knows what its like to desire the bulk head of the ship?

didnt think so.

when you desire the ship itself, and get wet whenever anyone mentions the ship as "him", you might need some shore leave.

confused yet?

hopefully, it makes it easier.

i know what you are thinking.

"i heard stories from grandparents of what entertainment was during the great depression, this is going to such, and hopefully by then its still free, though I could spare a can of soup".

Can I give you the benefit of the doubt?

Surely not you wankerbaskets. Like yanker basket. Whicker basket.

Do we feel the civil war rising? There goes that hard on again.

By the way, did Elvis really die?

I mean, ƒück all that serious shït, this question is of profound national security importance.

Lady gag gag is interested in O butter man in vegas.

(meanwhile, deep in a liar, far in the bottom of mount jefferson)

(weird english voice of the time) "if they ever figure out that all this shït is just concepts in "our" heads, we are ƒükkêd ".

duh duh duhnn.. --to be, continued, and if you dont like it, there morgue is right down the street, adjacent the fairy tale shop.


07-11-2013, 08:38 AM #2
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,603 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
I see you're dealing with all topics in one post. chuckle.gif

Welcome Comedy. cheers.gif
07-11-2013, 08:38 AM #3
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,279 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
So, I guess this Enterprise project is not going to fly eh? chuckle.gif BTW, welcome to Kbox! cheers.gif

wonder.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 08:51 AM #4
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
you know what really tweaks my twaffle man?

well i cant tell you, i am trying to get cans of soup here.

its really amazing that electricity has lasted this long. you know. the very thing that keeps us on the planet. but when i look at how parents handle their own children, suddenly the universe makes sense.

god and his wife are enablers, and we are the spoiled brats. now pop that nipple out of your mouth, im talking to ya, and i would hate for this to get bloody, that ruins the milk.

what was i saying? oh yeah, the long and the short of it is, ğck you.

there, the entire situation has been resolved, now give me a badword and make my pussy wet.

we are getting ƒükkêd and ƒükking and love it, and from all angles apparently. this "orgy of concepts in our heads", thats what taxes pay for.

(silently flips off hisser in the back row)

the ocean was nice. i love breathing fumes that are worse than my cars pipe. and the cities, such fun places, filled with more car pipes, and lots of assholes. its amazing that the math scores of so high considering people drink their "processed" waste.

(goes back to the two girls in the front, and takes handkerchief.)

(winks exaggeratedly) Ill sniff this later. Please god, let their be urine, dingle berries, and mash potatoes, Im starven here..

(picks up and drinks water, gurgles, and spits in the can)

comedians get VTD. Verbally transmitted diseases. A little known secret in the medical field, and one reason why elvis was "dissipeared". Yes, you heard me right, "dissipeared".

Everyone knows about his music, but not his comedy.

He would dress up and go to small clubs, back in the day, and do his thing, each time changing his appearance. Yep, you heard that right.

Now ğck off before I blow your brains out. And you guys in the back, the suits, youre biometric data revealed you work for Satan, and need a lobotomy, dont make me come off this stage.

(points the pinky finger)

Dont you think Government employees need to get laid more, and smoke more weed?

Yeah? That nice.

Just more people to envy and be bitter at.

I lost 3 pounds today. Dont really know how I did it. There was no usually activity, like spending all day online, and bitching about things I cant control, instead of living, but hey doing nothing is really helping my weight problems.

Thats why, I think, the only solution for world peace, is having sex, doing drugs, and listening to rock and roll.

Once Humans are fully incapacitated, that wont be a harm to anything else, since being sustainable is their prime directive.

Muahahahaha. Arent you glad I didnt go to a shrink and put on Ritalin and Zoloft instead.

"Moves deer mount across the room away from the video camera."

So, you have been great, been very great, for the insignificant assholes that you are, and I dont provide refunds, but have all the numbers of your bitches.

Good night!

IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 08:52 AM #5
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-11-2013, 08:38 AM)Octo Wrote:  I see you're dealing with all topics in one post. chuckle.gif

Welcome Comedy. cheers.gif


Yes, I always take the fire house method, rather than the boiling pot.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 08:53 AM #6
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-11-2013, 08:38 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  So, I guess this Enterprise project is not going to fly eh? chuckle.gif BTW, welcome to Kbox! cheers.gif


God needs a space ship?
07-11-2013, 08:55 AM #7
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,279 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
The Annunaki apparently did. chuckle.gif

wonder.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 09:00 AM #8
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-11-2013, 08:55 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  The Annunaki apparently did. chuckle.gif


Never heard of them, but they sound like pirates.
JollyRoger Show this Post
07-11-2013, 09:26 AM #9
JollyRoger Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-11-2013, 08:16 AM)IAmComedy Wrote:  Ok, yes, you paid for this. Now lets get some things straight. If it was not for this gig, I would be a serial killer, and never mind all that bio metric reading equipment at the door.

Nervous yet?

Well, maybe you shouldn't be.

(looks around carefully)

I saw that.

f**kers, never trusting who you pay money to. Like government. Then bitch about someone you gave money to robbing you.

And now I see threads talking about building space ships like Star Trek. You kidding me?

Really?

(small squeaky marshmellow voice) "what does this do". BOOOOOOOOOOOOM BLAAAAGAGAGAURRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......Puff.



(in heaven) "you f****ng god damn Christians and Muslims fighting over you false phallus idol, off with your heads"... another shaving of penis size ensues. "AHHHH run for your lifes alahahjebus bing bang."

Wheewww, glad that is over, now go f****ng shoot yourselfs.

Just kidding.

Well, at least on the first date.

Im not going to ask you if you smoke, but if you get but raped like little catholic girls at the alters of government and money? and if so, well, then you really do need to go and shoot yourself.

"warning, warning, 1 violation of PC thought crime".

and yes, i really do love my job, you know.

us janitors. thats what a comedian is you know, he takes all the sh!t and has it thrown back at him, and then turns around, bends over, and incinerates the crowd into subjection.

(brings out handkerchief for the two ladies on the front row)

now, where was i?

oh, yes sex.

just a question, but are their any sailors out there that knows what its like to desire the bulk head of the ship?

didnt think so.

when you desire the ship itself, and get wet whenever anyone mentions the ship as "him", you might need some shore leave.

confused yet?

hopefully, it makes it easier.

i know what you are thinking.

"i heard stories from grandparents of what entertainment was during the great depression, this is going to such, and hopefully by then its still free, though I could spare a can of soup".

Can I give you the benefit of the doubt?

Surely not you wankerbaskets. Like yanker basket. Whicker basket.

Do we feel the civil war rising? There goes that hard on again.

By the way, did Elvis really die?

I mean, fu*k all that serious sh!t, this question is of profound national security importance.

Lady gag gag is interested in O butter man in vegas.

(meanwhile, deep in a liar, far in the bottom of mount jefferson)

(weird english voice of the time) "if they ever figure out that all this sh!t is just concepts in "our" heads, we are f*cked".

duh duh duhnn.. --to be, continued, and if you dont like it, there morgue is right down the street, adjacent the fairy tale shop.


Yeah..... Better keep your janitor's day job at Castle Mega Store.
07-11-2013, 09:39 AM #10
Accidental Stoner Member
Posts:8,812 Threads:70 Joined:Feb 2011

Alahahjebus bing bang!

lmao.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 10:23 AM #11
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Its not just the book worm religions either that have problems.

Atheist are ƒükkêd in the head. Its like an electron beat the white matter to mush po ta toe, with fungus.

(weird voice) "I dont believe in a god".

Exactly, and "you" were saying?

(weird voice) "but god does not exist".

And "you" were saying?

(weird voice) "so you believe in god"?

"you" were saying?

These are the ones that make me want to hand out free t shirts that read "please, shoot myself".

I mean come on! That is alot of subject matter for someone not believing in said subject matter.

Yeah? Uh huh. (flips those atheist off, and the Christians flipping those atheist off as well.)

Muslims?

Hmmmmm. "ğck you, ğck you, ğck you, ğck you, (you just thought it was going to be "your cool"), ğck ğck , and especially, a big round of ğck you, to "you".

I only thought I was lacking.

ğck myself too, please, for the sake of everything made from potatoes.

So what is the purpose but to laugh, right?

After everything else is said, laughter and smiling is why I dont shoot you in the head with a pellet gun for warm ups, and then once outside move to the C-4, aint that a daddy thing?

(Mushy kissing on the microphone with a few snorts)

You see that beheading in south america?

Yeah?

What did you think of it. Did you frown, go and look in the mirror and cried, though about saving private ryan, and wondered, "could that have been someone in particular if my ball sack just hung a little lower"?

Little train john jimmy says "i think i cant, i think i can".

beerbong.gifbeercheer.gift-dancing.gif

Oh, i see. (another one gets hit in the nuts)

(transition to scene on stage)

Spinal mycracken, signing into duty, on the bridge of the titanic. Welcome aboard asshole, now take a seat in this chair, and buckle up.

Here is one for ya.

Picture this, if you will. Notice how the TSA acts, right in front of your faces, and then ponder what the NSA might be doing.

Got to love those that put up security cams in their "houses".

TSA goons actually drool and slobber at the thought of working with, or for, the NSA.

(holds up sign) Thats why the employees of both branches have these on their cars. (sign reads "children on board").

Why are your clapping and cheering, sick fucks. That clapping and cheering is the only reason why it all continues.

Here is your t shirt. (turns on projecting images of people walking into the theater recieving their t-shirts that read "please, shoot myself").

See, you ğkking morabs, you are so gullible, be proud of yourselves.

(makes another mushy kissing sounds loudly on microphone)

Pathetic.

Did you guys see that a kangoroo, just mated with a human?

No, i promise, its true, read it on that website 'misadventuresinafrica.org", and they always provide sources.

Apparently it was a bush experiment gone wrong, for lonely hunters, thus preserving procreation, thereby preventing the back water eddy much rising to the top, in dead ended genetic lines.

(from the center of the audience - "you racist bastard, stop hating on homosexuals).

(A voice above the stage says "And who are you, you seem to have evaded our technology?)

Yeah, so, just another day in the "real" reality.

No, not that reality, the "real" "real" reality.

Exactly.

Moving on.

Its almost over, as I see you are starting to twitch back and forth your assess, trying in vain to prevent a butt rash. Dirty assholes, you should have learned more from the french and their toiletry, but instead thumped your chest, and preferred your dingle berries.

You fat fuckers are the worst, and you stink. No, putting a bunch of toxic chemicals on your body does not help the issue. I know we have talked about this before, but being fat is the zombie outbreak, and must be contained. I think a run away event happens on some point, and the stench itself further helps to deteriorate the body. Im not a doctor, but do give medical advice, her is your t-shirt.

I mean for the sake of dingle berries, its pathetic. It would not even consider the mutated species Human any longer, but some time of fungal infested blob of something.

Oh yes, that is right, its all the shït that the fat people dont want to talk about. No one is going to want a chip put in their heads, but candy, gmo food, and fluoride directly into the veins.

Hold on, let me take a hit.

(takes a hit on a one hitter)

Much better, the saved all fours of yours lives (points at four people in the crowd), you better legalize it before i find the red button.

So i was outside the other day, and this bug flew up to me, landed on my hose, and then shït, or ejaculated, im not really sure.

at that moment, i felt the full weight of my insignificance. i finally understood what that ledge felt like, that ledge under the awning, the one the birds always shït on. yes that ledge.

(looks over to where the fat ass is sitting)

i got shït all over me, stink like a rotting pumpkin, eat worm castings for dinner, and sit alone doing heroin till the break of down, all because of complacency, while listening to new age morans babble on about ascending to fairy tale land.

(points at man near front)

hey you, pass the ğkking acid.

Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

I have. I have thought about it so much in my life i thought myself out of thinking about it.

True story. Yeah. I mean, eventually you come to realize, after thinking about it for years upon years, that are really just fascinated with the thought of it, and by killing yourself you stop thinking, so that would be a buzz kill.

My favorite thinking game on this subject is with one toothpick. How would you kill yourself with just a toothpick?

I have come to the conclusion finally that this method would not be the way, but here is your t-shirt anyway.

(puts on t-shirt)

ok, fine, i was a little selfish for not wearing sooner, since you have all had your already.

(sweet jolly ole proper English voice dear chaps)

"well jolly get your rogers, we gonna have us a gay of time in the smelly streets of London."

"no honey, you be smellen me panties, we have not bathed in weeks thanks to yrr lazy bottom floppers."

"the last time i had to use the tolitries, was the last time me leg caught caught in the fence, while walking out of the ditch, and we cant just keep dragging the children through it with rope, now can we."

i notice that everwhere i go its the same thing when the queen is involved. ever since she lost her groom of the stool, her entire domain has been stopped up, and rather stinky.

oh do tell walruss, what thy ship lead to sail, but the hollow casting of fiberglass over mobile homes?
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 11:08 PM #12
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Well, i just got up. Lovely experience.

Have you ever woken up, and you cant open your eyes?

One time this happened, and I thought I was still asleep. Until I ran into a wall, and knocked myself out again.

No, the issue is sleep in the eye. I wake up, and have so many eye buggers, my 5 year old kid starts pushing his finger around in my eye, thinking its my nose.

Im still deciding if he is worse than my dog. If I ever wake up to him licking my eye balls, then I will know to see the adoption agency as soon as possible.

How many of you love your kids?

Oh, yes, yes, thats nice, now remove your ear buggers and listen to what the ğck I just asked you.

I have a feeling, if wasnt for murder laws, at least half of you asshole parents would be in jail right now.

I mean really, come on, be honest here. Most of you would be rather wealthy by now, if you had a nickel for every time you thought about killing your kids. Ok, maybe a dime instead.

I just though about it again. You know, while sleeping in, and that little shït comes into the bed room screaming "daddy daddy daddy, you know what?".

"you know what", the first, and last things heard from a dying child, as the roof caves in on tops of his head. That particular part of the roof that was supposed to have been fixed 2 years ago.

It seems his mother sends him in to wake me up, every time the dream gets to my hands being up the skirt of Angelina Jew Lee. Yes, yes, I know, I am thinking about the death of the wrong person here, and its duly noted, but one must remember taking care of the "tools of the devil" as well.

So whats for breakfast kritters?

Oh, that looks nice. That needs more salt. Looks like you there, are eating a shoe. Oh, you sir, you look like you are having a wonderful breakfast, in fact so much so, that those around you cannot hear, and they paid good money to hear this shït, now SHUT UP, thank you, here is your t shirt.

Yes, yes, such a beautiful crowd today, and those fake denture smiles. I hate dentures, no matter how you smile, it always appears fake. Thus you start faking the smile, so that the smile does not appear so fake, which only makes the smile look more fake. They should just print, in big bold block format, "please punch me in the mouth", right across the front of all dentures.

Of course, you will get new dentures, right after seeing this show, so your t shirt that reads "please, kill myself", will look good with that new set of gum bumpers.

I know its really hard to tell when I have woken up on the wrong side or bed or not, but today I have.

Yeah.

My wife made it very clear that when this happens, there are going to be consequences, for she owns the other half the bed. No, I mean really owns, its in the will.

So this morning, since I did wake up on the other side of the bed, she cut my dick off. Hey, its in the will.(several ladies in the audience loose their minds with laughter)

For anyone wondering, yes, this is improve, and nice and fresh off the top of the head, I am sorry in advance.

Now ladies, think about this for a moment, long and hard, and in more ways than one.

Do you know why comedians exist? Oh, you think you do I see. Well youre ğkking wrong, and let me tell you why.

You see Men have never understood you, nor will Men ever, and so we found out a long time ago the only way to really understand you is to take you to a comedy show.

Thats right.

I get letters in the mail all the time, stating "say this, I want to see how my wife reacts about this subject", with a 10 dollar bill enclosed.

I mean come on ladies, you are smart enough to figure out I dont make my money standing up here making fun of you assholes are you?

But dont worry, Im really not sexist, because from the looks on the faces of your sucker husbands, I know the next letter I get from them will read "you asshole, you ƒükkêd it up, what they hell were you thinking, I want my 10 bucks back".

Everyone happy now.?! (big cheesy smile with exaggerated expression and vocal tones that sound gargled)

I hate penises as much as vagina's, cant you tell. (holds up hand with bandage wrapped around it)

By now Im sure you want to know what really happened to my hand.

Well, its a long story, that involves much emotional abuse from the wife and kids, so I will shorten it down to two words.

ğck you.

(grabs the box of t shirts on the left side)

Now here, take one.




07-11-2013, 11:14 PM #13
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,603 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
What the hell of a time zone are you in anyway? chuckle.gif

Bacon and eggs and blueberry pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast. Although it's all cold by now.

No my kids are grown up and turned out great, so have faith. That phase is not going to last forever.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-11-2013, 11:35 PM #14
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-11-2013, 11:14 PM)Octo Wrote:  What the hell of a time zone are you in anyway? chuckle.gif

Bacon and eggs and blueberry pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast. Although it's all cold by now.

No my kids are grown up and turned out great, so have faith. That phase is not going to last forever.


oh look, a lady who thinks she wrote the script.

what is a timezone? if there are different time zones, then is time travel possible?

can an "are", be in a timezone?

my zone is my body, and its at defcon 0.

any more questions, or do you want your t shirt now?
07-11-2013, 11:40 PM #15
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,603 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
No thanks, you can keep your t-shirt.

As far as writing the script, aren't we all doing that for our own life? Your script lacks a bit of structure though. t-dancing.gifchuckle.gif



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