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IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 10:05 AM #61
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-12-2013, 09:44 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  People wold not believe the conversations they can hear at Denny's at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning after the bars close. rofl.gif


Hello Mr. Clemins......
07-12-2013, 10:45 AM #62
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,279 Threads:1,438 Joined:Feb 2011
Call me Sam! chuckle.gif

wonder.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 10:50 AM #63
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Mr Clemins, maybe you need to sit down, let me come in an help you.

(Mr Clemins) first state why you are here, and what do you want

Oh yes, I am here from the theater, and there seems to be a problem with your biometric data

(Mr. Clemins) do wha? there really was recording devices at the entrance?

why yes, in fact everything i say on stage is true, now let me come in and help you.

(Mr. Clemins) ok, but i have things to do today, and you mustnt stay long.

why yes, of course, only as long is as needed.

Now, the reason i have come by today, is that your information has landed into some very dangerous hands, from another party, that was outside in a van, intercepting the information we collected, off of the devices we used to collect yours, so as you can see, you have a vested interest in letting us help you.

(Mr. Clemins) say what? i, i , i mean, what are the extent of these ramifications? (Mr. Clemins looks over at the t-shirt that reads "please, kill myself", and looks back at the person in black standing across the room.

Ahh, so you understand the seriousness of the situation now, good.

(Mr. Clemins) You are a ğkking asshole arent you, and i still think your t-shirt is a stupid idea.

To late, you already wore it home, and since it will get you laid more, thank me later.

(Mr. Clemins) So how come this is dissippearing reappearing ink, and when you wash it it now says "how do you like me now mother fucker?"

Slight technicality, look, i have to get back to work right now, but i will keep you informed, just keep showing up to the theater.

hey, im having a good night, i havent been chocked with a fat womans panties yet, so its a really good night.

you know what the secret to life is?

there is no ğkking secret, get over it, and get some air sometimes, you know. otherwise your lungs start becoming part of the fake decorations that you bought at walmart.

run around a little bit. just a tad.

what i hate are these fuckers that want to have a conversation with the cell phone, watch tv, and paint their nails, all at the same time. for me its called children. its that point you know they are not listening, but have perfecting the art of acting like they are. i dont know anything more that will make you want to buy a guillotine, but im sure there is a few.

ğkking americans.

it used to be you loved revolution and being a rebel. now, even japan is teaching you a lesson, and they are the borg. individuality is dead in the states. if fact, if you attempt it, you will be either loved as an idol, or viewed as the destroyer of worlds. there is no in between. one or the other, and the 99 percent are in the shït can, while the 1 percent of the shït is in the headlines.

backwards walking ğck suckers.

for your fuckings sake, snap out of it camel toed hillbillies.

the the sake of ma sake sacred sampson villa on the spring ranch in january.

get ya shït together now, or face the terrible wrath of stupidity and ignorus.

hey, delta dave, i see they have not paved over the bodies in louse, and hamburger hill was a gin factory for coke heads from africa, but what do i know, im just a lowly janitor.

now smell my feet and die an early death, before you have to really suffer when your kids throw you into an "old folks home".

yeah, "here day, mom, for your 60th wedding aniversary, we are moving you into the closet. in basement, you know the one, the one that you used to bitch at me about for not closing all the time, even though till this day i still wished your poodle would have drank the chemicals i always used to leave open.

yes, that poor poodle. the dog actually told me he wanted out of this life before he died. said its was the most terrible reincarnation, and his last one, right before nirvana in the back field.

yes mom, that is what "patterson" told me.

the words of Buddha come to me always mom, while i am watching the movie alien.

yes mom, i know, god bless the poodle.

no, i did not forget the ring the phone this time; it usually you know rings by itself, just having a flash back of a legal wavier i had to sign as a kid.

sentimental, mothers can be.

(question from the crowd) "are you ever going to shut up"

when i die, any other questions? and no, the only arrangements you will see to me with, would be watching your wife swallow the red dildo, so choke on that and shut the ğck up.

(midget laughs from upstairs)

if you really caught that, we salute you, you are the champion, and dont come back again.

Otherwise, buckle up using the buckles provided for you, because the ride is fixing to get to the cave of shadows?

no no darling, that was only the swamp of sadness, the real shït lies up ahead.

(red and blue lights come on from the ceiling of the theater, and the midget is heard saying "it has begun", "now for the real fun", and smoke starts coming up from the stage)

Fooled you three time already bitches!!

You know what i like about watching someone laugh real hard?

they are usually bending over with their mouth open clapping their hands together.

can use your ğkking imagination? here let me help. picture that, and someone sucking a C0ck at the same time.

yeah, kinky right?

i can just smell the pussy juice in the air, sprinkled with a hint of cum, that seems to be emanating from the bath rooms over there (points past the comedian bar flies)

someone better check on that, and tell me all about it.

(the officer that was being talked to earlier gestures she is on it, (AOK),)

Ok, but dont give me the details over the phone next time honey. MMMkay!?.

Make it quick guys, even the ruff necks are getting prissy, and wanting to go home and puke their guts out.

(snort)

(goes into the back of the stage and goes to sleep for one hour)



07-12-2013, 10:55 AM #64
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,606 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
TLDR


TGIF beercheer.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 11:49 AM #65
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-12-2013, 10:55 AM)Octo Wrote:  TLDR


TGIF beercheer.gif


cool. take care. bye. see you around hour 30, then my eyes will be red, i will smell like dingle berry shït, and will be muttering. makes for a nice show while stopping in for lunch, to sip on your totty, before going back to work.

cheers.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 11:54 AM #66
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-12-2013, 10:45 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  Call me Sam! chuckle.gif


Ok Samuel.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 03:26 PM #67
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
dont you love living in meadevil america? the new architecture takes some getting used to, but its suits us just fine, being meadevil.

You see, when the pagans came and preached in gods name, and then murdered in cold blood, that made the nose of god roar with sensation, causing dopimean to release in his brain, and thus star systems formed. Yes, that is what happens when star clusters form, its just god high on drugs, nothing to see here, move along.

(later that day, back from the theater, you watch on tv a commercial from the government)

thanks, but i no longer need the narrator.

( are you sure)

very, now go away. yeah, those tv commercials with the egg frying, telling you this is what your brain is on drugs.

ğkking retarded.

it seems government forgot what they ordered to be taught in schools, that all live comes from chemical reactions, and so the brain frying like a humans placenta, that comes out of an egg, its really just speedy mutations.

yeah, and you assholes didnt believe me when i said i learned the guitar in a week. that was even after a night of getting drunk and fighting the TS girls down at the docks.

you with the glasses and old hair. its tran sexual. yeah, they have big fists, and dont always fight like girls.

oh, you have never seen one. yes, they do look like women, cant tell can you?

sure i want to hear about nam? saw these same beautiful women in Saigon?

i see, no wonder that era is not talked about.

this is usually when a bad case of PTSD makes itself known to everyone, and some solider out there no longer gives a shït that the government is spying on them, for they make their own medical history known.

no takers?

good, dealing with the living dead is stinkier than the dead dead.

has everyone finally figured out who uncle sam is?

yeah, he is that uncle, the one sitting in prison for molesting Susie, thats right.

oh, you hear he might get the death penalty, what for?

oh really? that is no surprise, they do kinky things in prison.

yes, yes, well they will sure love where they are going, box 666 is the 999 of the apple of their eye, and no ones wants to get off to see the rabbit show.

Now bessy, best no be talking about your sister like that, she is still a virgin. Once she whores herself out, then tea bags away into the great blue yonder.

Yes, over there, by the square and the court house, approximately 2 miles.

you might find an inn of the lodge to stay in, and piss on the bed sheets, but not much more past the county over.

ahh,I see, but Beethoven always said americans would be crazy, history has proved him right, and Plato nailed the Russians, and saved them of course, from drowning in vodka for years on end.

dont you just love history.

you better, or its off with your heads!

Da da da dada. its off to the city again my friend, whenver will the itching end, backwards and fowards, its ever onward to the end. da da da dada. if we see each other on the streets and dont wave at one another, dont count it offence, i can just smell your in the wind. da da da dada.

you know who i think are the sexiest women? milfs..... especially a milf that stays in shape.

they are worth more than 50 18 year old strong bodies havent been worn out yet.

i swear i dont lie.

oh, and i love you too. no, no, that does not mean that slapping you with my penis means im pissed off, its a sign of affection.

yes, even if you get bruises. hey, it really wasnt my fault, your shirts says "balls in all the way", as you did not want one of my t shirts, or uh hum, "MY t shirt"....

tell you wife next time to lay out something different.. that hurt didnt it, and im not really sorry.

hey, you know uh, sorry about the verbial direahhia, but i have been stopped up for weeks, and took my first shït last night, i hope you understand.

while i feel better, i still think you are all assholes, that are dating morans, but thanks for the tips anyway.



IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 04:17 PM #68
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
testing, testing. im i awake. hey YOU AT THE BAR! yeah you, i saw you flinch. tap your foot twice if you can hear me.

are there any women in this place, or did i run them all off?

i need some more of your opinions, you know, the wind beneath my wings and all that bullshit.

whats wrong, do you as well think i belong behind bars.

(let me help you out, (one of the janitors says "shhhhadut upp already")

thanks, but im slitting my own wrists tonight, write here on the very stage.

(suit yourself)

does this mean my mom will have to button my clothes again?

ğck that. how about a bridge someplace, in fact, bring the charity, and we can all jump off together, and repay karma for keeping birds in cages.

tweet tweet, flying down and in for your feet.

sorry, i tend to sing the bird songs everytime i think about them.

well of course my spelling is terrible, thats usually what happens when your on stage, half awake, having a "save me obama care" telethon, trying to sell "soul glow" to the people of this great nation.

now buy something, or wander back over yonder where you came from and peddle that shït some other place.

wow, the ghost fire says, that is alot of smoke you are sending up to heaven today, you were really not lying about being stopped up, that is a first, both the "not lying", and having moving bowels, why not turn the coals down, and in the morning, yet again, make smoke to the heavens, where it smells good to gods nose, and peace was once again in the water for the nights passage.

Why do students go to school for years?

Is it not to beat over the head with sticks and rulers, until the lesson is learned?

Or is a silver fork given to the students, already made into sliver?

One never knows until someone goes to school to find out they knew to begin with.

suckers. now suck on that pile of money, with interest. right into my asshole as i bend over enjoying the fruits of my labor.

i heard one of the nurses in the audience say i might need another enema, well that will be on my time, at the location of my choosing, and with the woman of my choice. are you ladies interested over there?

yes, as you can see, i am fit, so there musnt be all that much shït up there....right....?

i was hoping for that very response, every time..... theres nothing like hearing "ğck you" from a woman at the theater, after being on stage for 8 hours, even if she is a man......

Yes, i do remember Barcelona, and will never go to that bar again, stingy dikes....

Now that you know; or at least some of you, that what i say just gained a little more credibility, i ask you this. Do you still feel safe walking alone on the streets at night?

Thought so, your mistake...

Ok, that day dream is over, while the kids cry from the cribs. Twins. Now you understand my bad mood.

off to tit milk bottles.



07-12-2013, 04:31 PM #69
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,606 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
(07-12-2013, 11:49 AM)IAmComedy Wrote:  
(07-12-2013, 10:55 AM)Octo Wrote:  TLDR


TGIF beercheer.gif


cool. take care. bye. see you around hour 30, then my eyes will be red, i will smell like dingle berry sh!t, and will be muttering. makes for a nice show while stopping in for lunch, to sip on your totty, before going back to work.

cheers.


wave.gif Just home from work so now I actually have time to read your posts...maybe.

No sipping on my totty though. damned.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 12:50 AM #70
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-12-2013, 04:31 PM)Octo Wrote:  
(07-12-2013, 11:49 AM)IAmComedy Wrote:  
(07-12-2013, 10:55 AM)Octo Wrote:  TLDR


TGIF beercheer.gif


cool. take care. bye. see you around hour 30, then my eyes will be red, i will smell like dingle berry sh!t, and will be muttering. makes for a nice show while stopping in for lunch, to sip on your totty, before going back to work.

cheers.


wave.gif Just home from work so now I actually have time to read your posts...maybe.

No sipping on my totty though. damned.gif


I just booked another gig as well. Its for the late crowd on thursday.

If your totties are not perky and frothy, dont bother offering.
07-13-2013, 01:09 AM #71
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:42,606 Threads:1,469 Joined:Feb 2011
I didn't know what the hell a totty was, just stay away I thought was a safe bet.


Is it beer? hyper.gif

If so, stay away.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 01:47 AM #72
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-13-2013, 01:09 AM)Octo Wrote:  I didn't know what the hell a totty was, just stay away I thought was a safe bet.


Is it beer? hyper.gif

If so, stay away.


Yes, beer and pretzels, and you are the pretzel. Now open wide as I sprinkle some salt.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 01:49 AM #73
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
The new gig for the late crowd on Thursdays. http://kritterbox.com/Thread-The-clever-...#pid122608
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 09:12 AM #74
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
cool. the comedians are taking to the bar like flies over at the other joint, so i decided to drop in here, as say helllo!

hell? O?

yes, thats right, you are the ƒükkêd , that trottle in eater to be fleased, step right up!

now, a particular someone obsessed with animals, and rocks, has requested the next performance, while the comedians over there get drunk.

ok. ready?

a certain farmer had two logs, a certain farmer had to frogs, a certain farmer learned to built, way on off over the hill. a certain farmer learned to crawl. a certain farmer learned to fall. a certain farmer through and all, just another farmer like them all.

the question is, are you farming? if you are not, you are ƒükkêd , no matter what kind of crop you harvest.

great wisdom in the last sentence.

such an inpatient bunch. this gimme generation. now go burn your books, and start over. that will keep you entertained longer than your orgasms. god forbid you have to wait on the earth to get food, what the hell does it know?

bit coin is going to save the day. NABOMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. sun farts and knocks out all electrical gear for 100 years.

here is how the social scene would be just 30 years after the event.

oh, look ther, she hav teeth, and no wlk withhh limp.

Meaning, all the radiation that has occured from all the nuclear power plants not having stable electricity, and now way to vent the reaction itself, and humanity would be having some serious genetic issues.

oh wait, japan, yes, the slow kill method. slow free until you die long term insurance plan and coverage.

you think im making this shït up?

i mean, come on, its the sun, its everywhere. its threatening this terror every day. i think the governemnt should look into ways of apprehending the sun, and arresting it, thus stopping this moran from the potential danger it possess. im serious, here, this is the petition, pass it around. be sure to leave you time, and identification number, look on the jeans, its there.

ğkking government, who do they think they are, ğkking antilla the hun? well apparently, uh, yes, obviously rather, it is the only proper image for application.

yes. jabba the hut maybe?

fat pigs. if you really want to feel safe, start buying your weapons from the mexican cartels...

yeah, its all america hardware and munitions that the government runs, so its worthy stuff, not the crap you get from china or russia that is in walmart.

you call them what you want, the truth of the matter is, there are many traitors at all levels of the fairy tale land in our heads bullshit we have built called countries, thank god there is legal framework to abolish them.

oh, you didnt know?

of course you didnt, it just happened by accident 8 days ago. yeah. kinda like that car just mysteriously drives you to work on its own every day. the one i like, is when food just magically appears in front of me when im hungry.

shut up honey, they dont want to hear it. i said be quiet darling.

hey bitch, your ruining our income potential. -- chirp chirp.

see, works every time. this method is positive to get results. there is no better way. just mention "income", and everything is peaceful yet again.

see it all goes back to sex. everything. and those denying that are repressing something sexual.

and everyone knows what that means.

i see you all looking at each other.

it means you can take off your clothes now, and start ƒükking the shït out of each other. everyone looks at the token black guy. ready? 1. 2. 3. take em off.

haha, that was funny. everyone started running toward the black guy, until they got there, and then over his shoulder saw the transsexual with the flag waving proudly, that everyone then ran over to.

That is why everyone used to pilgrimage to these shores, lady liberty is also a he. hee hee hee.

that also explains why the Indians were killed, considering that their society was maternal.

hey, as they say, the show must go on.

so now we have transsexuals. the most dangerous thing that has ever arisen from the cum heaps of humanity.

for both man and woman will loose this war, because all your bases belong to them.

its true. when you can have a woman, a lover, and a guy to ğck and hang out with all at the same time, minus the four kids, why not try it, and if you do try it, well you end up sniffing 40 year old coke, in the back of some boiler room, of a theater that was cool for three minutes in the 30's.

fooled you all a 4th time, i really am a woman with four kids. you didnt get the lesbian dike jokes?

oh well. like my plastic surgery to really hide my true identity.

some smuck can get a life playing doubtful fire, but thats not funny? especially when actors playing burnt homeless kids are always on the news? find, i retire then.

just kidding, heres a smut muffin.

you crazy mother fuckers.

and allow yourselves in public? you should be shameful. no wonder they are watching everything you do while in public, i dont trust you either.

right now i see a couple of ya planning my murder when i go home tonight. was it really that bad? you could have behaved better, and sat up there with the rest of the comics and got drunks, but you are the one choosing to have it be a painful experience.

no, you know the song, "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave".

you see, they got, and liked, my t shirt....

them eagles.

yeah. fly like the wind out of my asshole stinky and brown, and until its crusts over your eyes and you crash into a pile of rotting sperm cells.

that is how i feel about eagles.

IAmComedy Show this Post
07-14-2013, 12:35 PM #75
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
weren't we talking about eagles? you know, like to see far, and fly high enough to not fall in shït. thats what eagles do. have you ever looked in the mirror, and seen the animal you are. yeah? those dont exist, sorry. i looked one time and saw a puffer fish, that was at 12, and on crack. the next year was a wearwolf. i hit puberty, and it started interfering with the chemicals already in my body. yeah. terrible. my parents thought sending me to a youth boot camp would solve the problem. that is how i first ended up in prison, killing my father. what was your dad like?

there is a picture floating around the internet of a guy that just had his ice cream stolen from it. its looks just like the cartoons depicted it. yeah. great stuff. those captures of each moment of reality that truly reminds us of our place in the universe. yeah. i wonder if soldiers feel the same way when a bayonet slides into the heart and start vomiting blood out, while some peasant child watches on? i also wonder what the people that pay for that feel about it?

i will tell you, they hurt over it. their stomach's are wrenching in pain from the stainless pole shoved up their ass. it is all the agencies they pay to spy on them and constantly feel paranoid because of only one thing. its the food. yeah. the food. thats it. thats the problem. taco bell and mickey dees.

speaking of shirking responsibilities. i think im going to throw away my 4 kids into a garbage can tonight, still alive, because number one, they stink, number two, its just to hard on me, number three, their baby momma is a bitch anyway, and number four, i can find dick somewhere else. confused yet? apparently we are as well. yeah, goddamn parents. and kids, well obviously you suck as well. now is this when yellowstone blows up, and the earth gives us the middle finger? the deathly calm before the storm?

it would be like nature to trick us. "yeah, watch this guys". hoo hho hummm, oh look humans, a rock, the rock says everything ends on 2012, get ready suckers. thousand years pass. oh look guys, a rock, that someone wrote on years ago, that says in 2012, the world is going to end. hmmm. 2012, just a few people in the ark. waiting. pleading for rain.

no rain comes, 2 thousand more years pass. by this time earth is completely enslaved to the new world order, and everything is simliar to what so many 19th, 20th, and a few 21 century movies depicted.

Suddenly a comet from the sun, slams into Earth. however, the force field surrounding the planet prevents it from entering, and the force field also exhorbs the energy from the collision for sources on the planet.

well, its look like we are ƒükkêd either way, so why do i still see clothed people in the audience?

it doesnt matter that is going to happen in 2000 years, lets have sex now like today is the last day. i mean come on, lets be sensible here. i finally understand why women like to plan ahead, and have lists, and organize so well. i want to be like that, now please ğck me already.

men, such easy sellouts, it was simple assimilating you millions of years ago. this anomaly however will be short lived. you are the ones who actually envy the cocks we dont have, and that is why you love us butt ğkking you so much. nasty cowboys. sisters little bitches. now get down on all fours.

great audience tonight, so easy to train, unlike the last 2 weeks. hell, it only took 20 minutes of talking to get the ladies to know that "break" is code for them to leave the table, and meet me in the lavatories, for some nasty sex. sorry to ruin the bourbon with gin with cigarette ash. but you know, puffer fish always ğck your wife. now thank me, and go sit outside and wait in the car.



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