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The clever thing i heard on the radio the other day
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 11:31 AM #1
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(static fills every part of the band)

Static. Isnt it soothing? turn it up. yeah, there you go, love it. now keep it on like this for days at a time, and then lets talk.

Ok?


Great.....

The utter stupendous about of static we get everyday, its amazing we can talk at all.

back before communication was outlawed, people were confused and didnt make sense.

Yes, that was before the tower of babble. Madonna was still singing "like a virgin", and coal was still used for heating purposes. Aside from that life, was boring.

the very first man that pointed out the absurdity of it all was stoned to death. Then the other people around him stoned him to death. amazing the capacity of the human mind to observe itself, before its actions ehh?

oh glorious bee, they nectar tastes like slums, the hollow burn of the tree.

(monsanto) we thought you meant it literally.

of course, always blaming someone else arent ya?

yeah, i see how this works.

(gestures to the teenager in the 5th row)

hey, arent you supposed to be home? one reason to check bio metric data as you all came in, to keep your kind out, which ones are your parents? oh, i see, and understand your predicament, can the theater help you in any way?

you want a t shirt?

(flings a t shirt out into the 5th row)

theres your ğkking t shirt. what? finally went to a late night comedy show that treats ya the same as your parents?

whats that? you feel "at home"? oh well good, we would hate to disturb the family.

(theater disclaimer, the midget speaketh, "public notice, all people biometrically read are of 18 years old and up, thank you for enjoying the show")

ok, now that dude has issues.........(looks around at crowd)

dont blame me mother fuckers, you be the ones spending that hard earned money for the shït storm, not me. im the one bending over.

yeah, you know it...

and you know what else, most of you laughing in here,are doing so because you are afraid if you dont, your date would think you are stupid. which makes everyone in this room a ğkking moran.

ok, i think this went well, as its now 3 in the morning, and no one has died, started itching from the STD's on the tolliet yet, and an orgy has not started yet in the bathroom, from what i am told, and so, i will remain on stage. but feel free to ğck while i watch from the stage, i always wanted to be known, not for my comedy, but for my ability to manifest the best peeping tom show on the face of the planet every night.

no, no, i would never hypnotize you into doing that, im only kidding.

oh reading your minds as well? who said i could read your minds?

(midget upstairs- did that ball gag not teach you anything)

apparently not. i believe i swallowed it last time, and shït it out on the last crowd.

yes, picture that. (japanease start snapping photographs)

no, not that.

ahh yes, japan. i got off the plane in japan, and thought it was new jork, except with only japanease people in it. poor little fellas with china melting down their island and all.

yeah, long live shrimp. uh yeah, or something like that.

i decided the best way to handle the Japanese was to be staki drunk on saki, and high all the time. yep. saki drunk on saki. thats right.

i never bow, so that was a problem. i have this thing in my back that prevents me from bowing to any other human. except with certain cops, while on duty. on the hood of cruiser, while she has me handcuffed to the search lights.

but that was many visits to jail ago. back when women cops were much more interested in ğkking inmates. no, things were more free then, we did not have so many regulations as now that would prevent such crimes. It would by as if the government of today hires people to molest others without their consent, and spy on them, in order to do so, and government would never do that. i mean, what would be teh point of creating an environment within government, that was conducive to criminal activity? that would be a big waste of money.

only crazy people believe the government would use mafia tactics on itself to further gain control, everyone knows this.

hmmm humm, sticks an ostrich head up your bum. ahhh cheeww fuckk youuuu blaome blatherspoon.

(a woman from audience asks about the charity event for the shirts)
no, we wont kiss now, no thanks, i have still not recovered from my VTD from last months show. no no, not the hookers. not STD's, but VTD...

really, well that is interesting, i never thought about putting a shirt on a building before.

will try it and see what happens. i mean, the worst that can happen is i will die, and the best is that everyone will be pissed off in some way about it.







IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 02:00 PM #2
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Yeah, you like that? some pecker wood said a long time ago "they got you by the balls", but I say they got you by the asshole. I large stainless steal hook, up every asshole, while the owner runs in place. Yeah, thats where they have ya.

The reason the hooks are stainless steal is because the people they hang other people on hooks, by the assholes, wouldnt do it unless they could wash all the shït off, after each died. (image on the screen goes back to the ledge, under the awning, where all the birds shït on it)

you like like?

comedy and news, rolled into one ğck you sandwich, by which you need to back story to understand?

best kind of humor. keeping you laughing while you leave mind ƒükkêd , and then coming back for more, because frankly, its better than acid and heroin, and jack Daniels, all at the same time. at the same time.

did i say that twice again. dejahvuu.

here come the neophytes.

sorry, could not help myself.

yes, what a wonderful crowd here int he litter box. a regular pig pin infidelity. praise jesus!

whats that, "im gonna sex you up", coming on the radio. back to the telepahic dj, have you ever thought that shït is weird man?

they be bugging the brain and all. you just thought phones were so 22nd century, sheeeit man, they already got your head wired crackernigga.

yeah, so im on call today in the ER, and its my first time ,and nervous about it, show up, and puke in the waiting room as a i walk inside. i know, kinda sets a bad example of cleanliness, but i promise i did not forget to take my gloves off after wards before helping other patients. in fact, i was taught that you should let someone die, rather than using the same gloves on them, that you have on any other patient. and wash until the ABC's are said three times.

Mrs Jackson? I am sorry Mrs Jackson, giving your Husband the clap, was not worth saving his live over, I am SURE you understand Mrs. Jackson.

Oh the potential for abuse everything has, and how easily we point fingers.

God forgot he planted a tree in a garden, and made up satan, that eve then made up to tell adam..... wait a second.......i think i finally figured all this shït out.......you ƒükking bitches, octopussy was right after all.....

ok ladies, here is a compromise, i will let you have my penis, as long as you agree to massage it, stroke it gently, and put baby powder on it. when i am alsleep, then you can abuse it, and blame it on my rolling off the bed.

deal? thought so. now stand in line, because i dont have enough to go around, but i do have pockets that sag to my knees, and a rather large boat, that can launch what look like moter bikes, but are really jet skies.

now all aboard.

oh yes, yes, look at all the beautiful ladies that are probably men. thats the real reason for not cheating on my wife. the fear having sex with a man. women, you always wanted to know how to keep them faithful, and there it is. make the fear of having sex with another man more prevalent than the lust for another women.

it is the only way.

remind them constantly, how easy it is for men to fake the appearance of a girl today., providing pictures from new Orleans to prove it. or DC, but you have to look carefully at the women, and not the men.

ok, i lied, and said i was leaving hours ago ,and now the sun is coming up, and the other janitors are starting to cuss at me as their sweeping is getting nearer the stage.

youre some grumpy iron headed lumps arent ya?

want to fight, you mop headed pricks?

well, we arent up north, thats why that line doesnt get the same response. ğkking yanks.

(spits a crust wad of backy on the ground that has been in mouth for several months)

Thats what the only thing i saw of you when you were first born.

you still not comfortable with what the sun shining on shït shines back at ya?

i see. do you like long metal rods?

half and half? ok, yeah, thats something, this luke warm bullshit.

either you in all the way to the balls or not, there is no try.

make her holler or make her cry, how bout a little piss in the eye?

im sure budwizer has all sorts of ideas in place now for next years supper bowl commercials.


were you expecting the midget?

yeah, ok. suit yourself. i prefer intelligent dialog, you all know me.

im a ğkking walking dictionary of the words most valuable for human interaction.

"ğck you", and "please, go kill myself".

dont believe me, well i dont either, but some website cited it as such, as a source, and we all know how that goes. http://kritterbox.com/Thread-Testing

See, i told you so. That website never lies, and you can verify 100 percent of what everyone says, is factually true, in the absolute.

Yeah, and know you know what the big red dildo is.

(midget laughs)

Well, it was a slow night at dennys tonight. The grammar constructionist is smoking hot by the way, and ohh, ohh, so good, sorry you are sitting there, stuck in my past, while i am in your future.

(tap tap tap on the microphone)

can you hear me now?

i was starting to fall asleep, and usually that is when people stop hearing me for some reason.

After 38 years of doing this gig, you think I would learn by now?.... well shame on you...

now crawl back in bed with your wife before some cat burglar takes your place.

no, you heard me correctly.

(reading the ad above the page on the theaters neon sign)

there are three women, and reads "paradise found" Ann taylor, "shop new arrivals".

Now that is what i like to loo at in neon when drunk at a bar, listening to someone half asleep, muttering, and there are two other people passed out at the bar, both groupies. the group called "the silent stalker of comedians" group. or something like that. yeah. stupid, simple. and freaky.

gets them every time. no stay, please, i still pay with favors. see, something like that.

The best place to take an audience is the women lusting and hating you at the same time, while the men just want to beat your face in.

Uh huh. amazing stuff with a room full of tension like that. especially, when all of a sudden disco lights come on, everyone is wearing spandex, and the lights are down. but "we have not had that spirit here, since 1969".....

Oh well, onward hoe, until the dessert runs out, and we stop seeing mirages.

Yes, eventually we will get to eloquent philosophy, but until then, keeping wanting to wash my mouth out with soap. its a fetish of mine actually.

Now come to daddy and open wide......
07-12-2013, 02:28 PM #3
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,580 Threads:1,443 Joined:Feb 2011
If you actually eat the soap, you do realize you can pull this great trick in a public restroom right?
Just wait till you have to make a chocolate bunny, run your ass down to Cracker Barrel and get in the restroom.
The old travelers will be delighted when they walk into the bathroom and it's like a very stinky version of the Lawrence Welk Show.
And if you have gas with it, there's your trumpets.
Just before you start the whole gig you have to say...
And a one and a two and...

wonder.gif
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 02:35 PM #4
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-12-2013, 02:28 PM)JayRodney Wrote:  If you actually eat the soap, you do realize you can pull this great trick in a public restroom right?
Just wait till you have to make a chocolate bunny, run your ass down to Cracker Barrel and get in the restroom.
The old travelers will be delighted when they walk into the bathroom and it's like a very stinky version of the Lawrence Welk Show.
And if you have gas with it, there's your trumpets.
Just before you start the whole gig you have to say...
And a one and a two and...


I do it for the smell, not the sound, so the trumpets are out.

and you are to late anyway, as i am in your future, and you are in my past.

corn hollieo sink hole speaks volumes.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-12-2013, 02:45 PM #5
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
"i am corn hollieo, bring some tp for my bung hole" beavis. BaconDance.gifclap.gif

orgazmo3.gif

satanbitch.gif

IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 02:06 AM #6
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Attention! tap tap tap, hey fuckers, listen up.

there seems to be some confusion if my work is laughable or not. i resent this, but will attempt some dialog of sanity for the mediocre.

comedy is about precise timing of words and vocal inflection, that are spoken.

it can be safe to assume, that a primer point of translation, since the spoken word is lacking, would be to superimpose carlins voice and timing onto this verbiage, because hey, you know when he said he was going to come back and haunt you? (chuckles profusely), well he wasnt lying.......

no, no, just kidding, what really happened is he faked his death, said goodbye to all you assholes, is went to live on an island somewhere, and every once in a while gets an urge to mouth off to you in anonymity.

Yeah, thats right.
07-13-2013, 02:10 AM #7
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:31,580 Threads:1,443 Joined:Feb 2011
I believe you. I've done some standup... making it work in print and doing it live are two entirely different things.

wonder.gif
07-13-2013, 02:14 AM #8
Octo Mother Superior
Posts:43,362 Threads:1,482 Joined:Feb 2011
Here's a clue:

George Carlin never claimed to do comedy. He was just funny. Someone who needs a tag that says "comedian" is probably working on it, but not that funny.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 02:36 AM #9
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-13-2013, 02:06 AM)IAmComedy Wrote:  Attention! tap tap tap, hey f**kers, listen up.

there seems to be some confusion if my work is laughable or not. i resent this, but will attempt some dialog of sanity for the mediocre.

comedy is about precise timing of words and vocal inflection, that are spoken.

it can be safe to assume, that a primer point of translation, since the spoken word is lacking, would be to superimpose carlins voice and timing onto this verbiage, because hey, you know when he said he was going to come back and haunt you? (chuckles profusely), well he wasnt lying.......

no, no, just kidding, what really happened is he faked his death, said goodbye to all you assholes, is went to live on an island somewhere, and every once in a while gets an urge to mouth off to you in anonymity.

Yeah, thats right.


"""""(hicks walks in the door)

God dammit I said I didnt need you anymore!

(sorry, sniff, sniff)

I forgive you. Now where was I, oh yes, "as I talk to you, "and" sniff cocaine off the table"...."""""

is that better, my little kitten grammer tardd? grrrr....

Its funny how all them doors have exits signs on them, 'in red'... I just see the x. funny how x ALWAYS marks the spot?

now why is that funny bill?

who said it was funny?

you did bill.

oh, well i sure did, and that is not funny, but freaky actually.

yeah freaky, "ğkking moran comedians stuck is PC land"...

Are we going to have a character fight in your head now?

yes!!! sounds entertaining. hold on while i set up the video camera.....

(at this point everyone in the theater is seeing triple and above)

I thought i told you i dont need anymore of your help?..........Well?............Hello?............


.............................................
............ im bored now.............

my dog looks comfortable. he is laying on a posterpediac doggy bed, and one his back. looks like super man inverted.

i wonder if his dreams are saving doggy world, but all i hear are puffs and sighs, like humans make while not being able to get a goods night rest.

could it be because i am here? could just my 'presence' be enough to cause those sounds coming from another living thing?

you see that image up there, the birds, and the shït ledge? yeah.

uh huh, i just see you looking at shït dumb ass. why are you here again? yes, to watch that turd on the screen. and what is worse, you paid me for it. see, me theory that spawned the t shirt was right, "as i yell", MORAN, into the microphone. would you like some more moran in your enemas every night before you go to bed, you ƒükking 82 year old wealsle lover...

yeah, you pet owners. you are your shït i have to watch you pick up. pathetic.

you go to a park right, and you want to see people smiling, chatting, and having a good time, plus all the clean air, birds, etc, and what do you see instead?

a bunch of humans bobbing around like birds picking up shït. yeah, thats what you see. amazing view isnt it?

like those adds for the animals shelters "im a pet owner, and i have a pet because i love animals so much, having an animal around bring a whole new joy to my life, and makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. i am also being a good human, for helping all the orphan animals out there"

here is a t shirt, be all that you can be, and shut the ğck up already. record yourself until blue in the face, and then play it back until you dont want to listen anymore, and then sow your mouth shut.

yeah, ğkking assholes. and take your jabber jaw sisters with you. people like this should have their reproductive organs ripped violently from them at birth.

oh is that so? well i died and went to hell asshole, and there is nothing that can be done now.... you Christians were right, and im loving it. now sit a molten stick.

anyway, i have to mow the lawn now, theater demands it, for room and board in the boiler room.

oh is that so, well if you need directions of where to go after the show, how about into the furnace, as that will save me a trip of cutting wood?

oh, you will give me 50 bucks instead? Deal.....

nice doing business with you, now yall come back ya hear..





IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 02:56 AM #10
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-13-2013, 02:14 AM)Octo Wrote:  Here's a clue:

George Carlin never claimed to do comedy. He was just funny. Someone who needs a tag that says "comedian" is probably working on it, but not that funny.


I like labels at work, it keeps the computer geeks from stumbling across wires, and then falling into their keyboards and crying about it.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 03:00 AM #11
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-13-2013, 02:10 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  I believe you. I've done some standup... making it work in print and doing it live are two entirely different things.


Yeah, and the entire time you are on stage, you are wondering if the print was right.
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 03:07 AM #12
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
(07-13-2013, 03:00 AM)IAmComedy Wrote:  
(07-13-2013, 02:10 AM)JayRodney Wrote:  I believe you. I've done some standup... making it work in print and doing it live are two entirely different things.


Yeah, and the entire time you are on stage, you are wondering if the print was right.


the easiest way is to take a comic you like and emulate their timing, but your own style and work.

hence the comedic stalking group, that follow other comics around more than the fans. what is considered funny, constantly changes, and what really changes in the subtle nuances of what is funny, and that is mostly found in inflection, timing, and gestures. the words are just support, that make all the those three subjects funny.

constructing of language for paper is the intent of this exercise, and a format for spoken word audio recordings.

IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 03:34 AM #13
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
yeah, i just spent hour coming up with some nasty shït.

i showed up on stage, like right before i was supposed to be on, not after, just "right before", and i said ğck it, im not sure if that comma in the script will be funny or not, so am going to trash the entire thing.

ğck it.

oh, you again honey. yeah? oh, you thought this entire trip had a map? are you ğkking crazy?

you know what happened the last time i was told to remember lines for a play right?

oh you dont? let me tell ya..

i forgot them, killed 4 people, and spent 1 month in jail as a minor. so, i was advised, from that point on, not to ever take any lines to read.

why do you gasp so loudly?

thats right, i have been turned facing you this entire time, while driving the bus.

feel safer now? i can call the tsa agent that has a short problem with "big red" again, if you need me too?

well dont let it stop ya, it never has before.

dont you miss the narrator as well, to liven the place up with a little color? (hand emerges from ceiling and flips everyone off)

Yeah, nutty time man, nutty times. We live in a world today where the buildings see you, know who you are, and flip you off from time to time. Please god, has the american dream ended yet!

You wan to know a real nightmare? try going to the local food mart, and take a gander at the veggie section.

that is what you are eating.

now go to the meat section, and look at the meat very carefully.

now combine the two, and that is what is causing those irritable bowel movements, that leaves your intestines in the toilet, in a pool of bright red blood.

yes, that along with the water, that basically has lots and lots of heavy metals in it. we were also told we had iron stomachs, but this really it setting the bar so high, that reaching it is going to kill you.

you smiling with glee yet beaches wales that bought "two" seats", for one?

in a time, far far away, you were called, FATASSES, that then went to Mr. Fatasss, that then went to "the big and the beautiful", once the PC faggots took over.

they want to make you feel special as they milk you for all your worth, and then replace you with tinky icing and cola. then, the zap that mutated spunk into who knows what with the electromagnetism.

aint it wonderful, living in the greatest history of man, whereby we all devolve and go extinct, but at the same time fooling ourselves that we are ascending, and entering the golden dawn.

we are going to when the prize of the best extinction event in the last 10 millions years, while the award is a big golden pile of shït, that never decomposes, because humanity even managed to kill all the decomposing organisms off the face of the planet.

really what happened, is all the other life on the planet said "if we have to live with humans any longer, we are out of here", and all the life on the planet dissipeard, thus leaving humans to die in the most horrible of ways.

maybe in 40 million years, a great civilization will emerge yet again, out of the shït that never decomposes, and spawn a bi pod called man.

women, as always, are ƒükkêd .
IAmComedy Show this Post
07-13-2013, 04:43 AM #14
IAmComedy Incognito Anonymous
 
Ha, you have no idea how hard it has been. Just to get to were i am now, took 7 years as a hitch hiker. bear with me. this might get emotional.

the first year i had to sneak onto a cargo ship to get to france. it just so happened to be a Russian ship, that did not take kindly to highjackers, i mean, hitch hikers. when they found me they forced me to dance, but could not. i lost the lower left side of my mouth. they told me to play chess, i could not, so i lost the lower right side of my mouth. they then told me to learn russian as quickly as a i could, encouraging me along the way with fists to the body, and then when satisfied, then told me they wanted me to be a comedian for them, using only the words they taught me, which were "ğck you", and "please, kill myself", which were appropriate, considering the conditions.

the second year, i spent locked in a cage, in tibet, as the russians thought it would be humorous to send a russian speaking comedian, that is american, to tibet, during the 70's. They landed me at a peace ceremony, whereby i only knew how to say "ğck you", and "please, kill myself", which obviously lead to more war, and my capture, whereby i was forced from Russian to Chinese, while being hand fed at a petting zoo. This is really the point in time my comedy carreerr really started taking off, though i was still just a lowly hitchhiker. i also learned to play the tambourine.

the third year, i will admit, it was ruff. i was caught on another ship, and drug behind it, as chum, for larger fish than myself most of the day. until of course, they realized nothing would be biting. that ship was from africa. the captains shaman said i was full of shït, and that is why the fish did not byte me. i still got a rather bad sun burn.

4th year is "classified".

5th year as well.

6. golly. just such a bad number.

7, ok, seven was only mildly terrible. yeah, same type situation, different vehicle. a plane. no, they did not cloud hop me, but i was stuffed in the wheel base of a plane. this plane was between africa and south america. the plus side was, there was cocaine also in the well base.
when the plane landed, well obviously, that was traumatic, but when it was over, and the local drug cartel found me, there were some problems. yeah, the local DC, was waiting on me. wait a minute....DC....that sounds familiar. where do i know that from, this DC? oh yes, the "fast and the furious, gotcha... anyway, because of what i was wearing, they though i was gay, and so tortured me the best way they knew how, surrounding me with their women.

Yeah, year 7 wasnt so bad... more mountains and valleys. i almost started pledging allegiance, but then got paranoid it was all a trick.

it was......... i got a job, as a waiter somewhere..... and gave up.

the real trick is being a prick, then everyone knows where you stand.

there is no "is he ğkking with me or not?' there just is, and lots of ğkking....

what could be better for human relationships.

oh yeah, present reality. such a silly thing. grab my flesh light. its an improvement from the blow up dolls. you look at those things and loose the erectïon, but the flesh light just looks like your hand, so its not a problem. Lets face it, it also makes you feel better, when you have to grip something the size of a coke can, that you dick is plugged into, that sure is a confidence booster.

tap tap tap, is this thing working? at this point i would just walk off and leave, and steal your money, but i feel sorry for ya....

government is bad, can we establish this once and for all. it was said a long time ago that governments were created to destroy themselves, and finally man could self rule.

hmmm, let me think about that. fleshlight/ can man rule himself?

im not buying it. when man can either not need to get laid anymore, and find a way to have a steady piece of muffin, he cannot rule himself.

nehhhhhhhhhh. fail.

i love the simplicity of the kids today. when they here a bunch of bullshit, they dont sit around and argue over the varying degrees of the bullshit, in proper form and procedure its just "fail".

Just like those kids are the "recruitment" party, that the NSA put on.

I enjoyed hearing that audio, makes me have hope in the future, aside from our"extinction".

I heard a very eloquent articulation of "fail", "fail", "fail", "fail".

i think i might even be sexually attracted to the female species again.

Oh, the snotty ones want a better word. Ok, chi. Hows that.

a woman that carried around the fire of the belly with her, thus fertile, and her subtle breast are evidence of that.

you want me to turn this off? how? oh, so that is what the chemicals in the food are really about. to stop sexual desire, and procreation. Orwell talked about this already.

well, the ideal of still finding an 18 virgin i will not let go. i am a puritan, and you know, we always get our way.

What are you talking about, i already told you i have been to prison 8 times, dont threaten me with living off of your money for the rest of my life.







07-13-2013, 05:15 AM #15
Ruby Wolf Member
Posts:10,786 Threads:721 Joined:Oct 2012
When I was a kid back in the 1970's and 80's many of the older people use to say during an argument...

"Dont give me any static!" and "I dont wanna hear any of your static!" and "Dont hassle me!" and "Stop hassling me!"




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