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hehehe
10-08-2018, 01:12 PM #1
ocker1 Member
Posts:2,261 Threads:922 Joined:Mar 2011
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
10-08-2018, 01:20 PM #2
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:30,415 Threads:1,480 Joined:Feb 2011
lmao.gif I hate it when that happens.

wonder.gif
Anonymous Kritter Show this Post
10-08-2018, 04:54 PM #3
Anonymous Kritter Incognito Anonymous
 
lol.gif
10-08-2018, 06:51 PM #4
Meh Member
Posts:1,185 Threads:42 Joined:Apr 2017
chuckle.gif messy business.
10-08-2018, 07:59 PM #5
Kreeper Griobhtha
Posts:11,019 Threads:742 Joined:Feb 2011
rofl.gif

I am speaking of the life of a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers, but borrowed from his children; who has undertaken to cherish it and do it no damage, not because he is duty-bound, but because he loves the world and loves his children… - Wendell Berry, 1971
10-08-2018, 08:04 PM #6
Kreeper Griobhtha
Posts:11,019 Threads:742 Joined:Feb 2011
Biker John was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, John how about Tom Cruise?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Biker John and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "John!
Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"
Although impressed, John's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells John that he thinks John knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else"
Johns boss says, "President Trump"
"Yes" John says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" And off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots John on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "John, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to John, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope" His boss replies.
"Sure" Says John.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"
So off they fly to Rome.
Biker John and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when John says, "This will never work.
I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"
An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later John emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Biker John returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, John asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fucks that on the balcony with Biker John?"

I am speaking of the life of a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers, but borrowed from his children; who has undertaken to cherish it and do it no damage, not because he is duty-bound, but because he loves the world and loves his children… - Wendell Berry, 1971
10-08-2018, 08:44 PM #7
JayRodney ⓐⓛⓘⓔⓝ
Posts:30,415 Threads:1,480 Joined:Feb 2011
lmao.gif

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." 13.gif

True story.

wonder.gif
10-08-2018, 08:54 PM #8
Kreeper Griobhtha
Posts:11,019 Threads:742 Joined:Feb 2011
rofl.gif

I am speaking of the life of a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers, but borrowed from his children; who has undertaken to cherish it and do it no damage, not because he is duty-bound, but because he loves the world and loves his children… - Wendell Berry, 1971
10-08-2018, 09:59 PM #9
Team Uzi ռօ ǟʀȶɨʄɨƈɨǟʟ ֆաɛɛȶɛռɛʀֆ
Posts:1,626 Threads:68 Joined:Jul 2017
The Perils of Drinking



LOL

ᎳhᎬᏁ Ꭺ ᎶuᏁ ᏟuᏞᏆuᏒᎬ fᎪᎥᏞs, Ꭺ ᏒᎪᏢᎬ ᏟuᏞᏆuᏒᎬ ᏢᏒᎬᏉᎪᎥᏞs
10-09-2018, 01:14 PM #10
Mars Member
Posts:727 Threads:42 Joined:Aug 2013
chuckle.gif Guy sounds good and shit faced, a method actor.
Anonymous Kritter Show this Post
10-10-2018, 06:39 AM #11
Anonymous Kritter Incognito Anonymous
 
(Yesterday, 01:14 PM)Mars Wrote:  chuckle.gif Guy sounds good and shit faced, a method actor.
drunk.gif
10-12-2018, 12:17 AM #12
Team Uzi ռօ ǟʀȶɨʄɨƈɨǟʟ ֆաɛɛȶɛռɛʀֆ
Posts:1,626 Threads:68 Joined:Jul 2017
İmage
damned.gif

ᎳhᎬᏁ Ꭺ ᎶuᏁ ᏟuᏞᏆuᏒᎬ fᎪᎥᏞs, Ꭺ ᏒᎪᏢᎬ ᏟuᏞᏆuᏒᎬ ᏢᏒᎬᏉᎪᎥᏞs



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